Reflections and Snippets

Fund Raising Letter Lampoon

The letter below was sent out to our entire mailing list in 1991 previous to the Money Bible Study. Included on our list were friends in high positions in ministries whose letters are only slightly less obvious than this. I considered not sending it to those it might offend, but the verse came to mind about being a "respecter of persons" and so I sent it out wholesale. The letter was constructed using a database, so rather than John and Jane Doe, your name would have been put in. A few insertions were left as "%FIRST NAME" and so forth deliberately to give it an even more plastic feel.

While most "got" it, I did receive two letters of rebuke back, one scathing.

Read it and weep...


John and Jane Doe

Dear John,

God spoke to me, %FIRST NAME. Yes, he spoke to me and put your gullible name on my heart.

"John, John, John," he said! "Write a form letter to %FIRST NAME and %SPOUSE and employ Madison Avenue sales tactics to advance the kingdom of God through FLESH MINISTRIES!"

As you know, John, in the past God may have "owned the cattle on a thousand hills", but lately he has fallen on hard times. Believe it or not, John, the Almighty is in desperate need of your money. Without your money, God's work on this planet will sputter to an abrupt halt! You need to give a "tithe" to God by sending your money to me. He is desperate!

Allow me to explain God's dire need, John. You see, we have a giant mortgage on this monument we built to ourselves--I mean to me--er, uh, God. Even though most of the money "given to God" ends up in the hands of the bankers and utility companies, I am acting as a "broker" for them. So it really is sort of like giving to God. We use his name, John. (Mat 7:15,22-23) As long as you believe this illusion, %FIRSTNAME%, you can kid yourself that you have given money to God.

With the rest of the money I pay my staff obscene salaries that they could not make anywhere else with their skills. This keeps them loyal to me, in case I occasionally commit adultery or get caught mishandling church funds. They can't afford to allow any light in! If "the man of God" goes down, so do they! (2 Cor 11:13-15) So they become my tacit "partners" in scandalous sins. Just think, John and Jane, by giving to FLESH MINISTRIES, you get to participate with me in this clever system of darkness, and God will reward you accordingly!

Now I know you have real needs in your own family, community, and Church, %FIRST NAME and %SPOUSE. But by sending your money to me, you can participate in my "greatness", (Acts 8:9-10) instead of squandering money in your own simple, quiet ministry. Think of the vicarious thrills! Think of how spiritual you will feel without ever getting your hands dirty helping real people! FLESH MINISTRIES will simulate all the ministry for you!

And concerning those scriptures about giving to orphans, widows, and those who are really in need; God told me in a dream (Jer 23:25-32, Eze 13, 2 Pet 2:1-3) that I actually was an orphan of sorts, and so it was O.K. to keep giving me money. I SAW MYSELF AS A GREAT COSMIC ORPHAN AND A WIDOW TOO!

Don't let us die! Keep the flesh alive and well with your gift.


Your Faithful Partners in Discrediting the Name and Work of Christ

Acts 17:11 Bible Studies Reflections and Snippets
Dean & Laura VanDruff Home Page