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A King James Only Lampoon

Persuaded beyond sensibility by Gail Riplinger, Peter Ruckman, Texe Marrs, and Jack T. Chick; and encouraged by D. Haucsor of Wittenburg [sic] Door (whose basic idea I here expand upon); I hereby offer this Thesis to apply for a Doctorate of Religion from Babble Bible College.

SCUBA IN THE KING JAMES VERSION will come as a shocking insight to those weaned from the truth by modern translations. I have found in my studies that in every modern translation, the following points are largely unintelligible, if not completely obscured. But in the Olde English of the "Authorized Version" (AV), or King James Version (KJV), SCUBA is a major topic in both the Old and New Testament. Following are the major points that have emerged from my King James Only research concerning Diving.

i.) Concerning Those Lead Things SCUBA Divers Use To Overcome Buoyancy

ii.) The KJV on Divers Garb and Accessories

iii.) The Strange Appeal of Diving

iv.) The "Bends"... Not Beyond Redemptive Power?

v.) Foreign Practitioners Properly Repent, Retreat to City Far From Temptation

vi.) Eisegetical Thesis Summary

With this treatise specimen, the real utility of the KJV is made manifest. Some say the KJV is out of date and prone to lead to doctrinal errors due to language migration over nearly 400 years. This is merely a thin excuse propounded by groups like "The Fellowship of Christian Divers" who would keep us from our traditional methodology for misinterpretation. I ask you--in what other version could you make so clear a case on this deep, contemporary issue? In what other translation could such points even be made?

The divers, thus, are the ones behind the conspiracy of all these new translations. And this is nothing new...

The KJV is essential to "deep teaching" such as this. Bible study should be hard, after all. If people don't earn it by groping through a fog of obfuscation, they will not value what they have! Confusion and lack of clarity have their religious benefits. Furthermore, creating a sheen of superiority concerning defunct languages engenders dependence on "scholars" like us at Babble Bible to act as seers and interpreters. They will need us to keep them from "divers doctrines".

This should serve, by way of example, as a fit rejoinder to those who would confront us at Babble Bible with any of these "new age" translations. They just don't sound like the "Word of God" to us--lacking pomp and obscurity, nor do they appeal to the same lofty, religious instincts. Clearly, it takes all the fun out of it to know what it really means. Besides, we've got this old stuff down! Let's keep the laity right where we need them. And that certainly is not in modern SCUBA gear, replete with those abominable weights.

And so I thus submit my Doctrinal Thesis to the "professors" of Babble Bible College, in the vain hope that it might enlighten some to their errors.

Mk 7:8-9,13

No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better." (Luke 5:39, KJV)


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